there is always hope.
the past 2 months, i have been doing intensive treatment for lyme disease at a wellness center in florida. it has been an absolute (hurricane-filled) rollercoaster ride to say the very least, but i have true and consistent hope in my total healing for the first time since my health journey began that fateful day two years ago. here is piece about an uplifting dinner i had with my mother and some lovely patients / employees from the clinic.
10/23/24: 12:00 am
“Spiro ergo prospero” – I breathe so I prosper
“I guess all I can do is embrace the pandemonium… find happiness in the unique insanity of being here, now.” (–Eleanor Shelllstrop from “The Good Place”)
It is 12:00 am, which is way past my bedtime, but I can't help but want to linger in this feeling of warmth and hope a little longer before another day of treatment begins. Recently, it’s been a rarity to feel such lasting joy. Tonight, my mother and I went over to Gail and Kalisa’s place for dinner. Brooke, an employee from the clinic, also came. I do not have the words to describe how much tonight meant to me. It was the first time I have truly felt like “myself” again in much too long.
The five of us shared deep belly laughs, heartfelt conversations, tears, fears, hope, and lots of delicious vegan + gluten-free foods. I haven’t giggled like that in what feels like lifetimes. So many pieces of my soul that got shoved down deep and were forced into hiding when I got ill so that I could survive felt safe enough to surface tonight.
It felt so GOOD to have some “normalcy” and to be surrounded by a group of wonderful empowering women who are all walking slightly different variations of the same path. We get each other in a way no one else can because we have all lived through similar experiences. We have all visited the darkest depths of suffering. When it comes to Lyme (and all illness for that matter), it is said that “you cannot get it until you get it.” … Well, these girls get it.
To be understood is to know you are not alone in this ever-expanding universe… and I think that is all we truly long for as humans (although we search for it in different places).
Tonight, for the first time in a long time, I knew I was not alone. I felt supported, held, nourished, and deeply inspired. I now know without hesitation that although this journey is anything but easy, I can and will continue soldiering on because I have this group of lovely souls who believe in me — and me, in them. Connection with each other is what we owe each other in this life — We are so much stronger together… and the idea that we are separate is an illusion. We are all made up of the same star stuff. We all come from the same place and will one day return back. When we combine our teeny tiny crumbs of individual hope together, we collectively create an unstoppable energetic force, and through that force, absolutely everything is possible. I truly believe this.
I pray to G*d that each of these women and everyone at this center (as well as myself) receive and claim the miracle(s) they came here searching for.
"Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed individuals can change the world. In fact, it's the only thing that ever has." (–Margaret Mead)
These women are true warrior spirits. To survive darkness as dread as deep as they have, you have to be. So many years, we’ve lived with our heads just barely above water, fueling ourselves through life by sheer willpower and faith alone, swimming with all our might to keep ourselves from drowning, unsure whether we’d ever taste freedom again. With weights attached to our feet and water filling up our lungs, we somehow miraculously kept afloat… and here we are, still breathing, still fighting for another chance at life.
We have done the impossible. We have cheated death… and not just one time. Every day and every breath of our existence is an anomaly, an act of revolution, a statistical improbability… We are told are crazy, we are screwed, and we are anything but sane… we are relentlessly gaslit, ignored, and ostracized while fighting for our very survival.
I was essentially told to give up and accept illness because I didn’t have a chance of getting better. I was told I could never have children. Robert was told Lyme “wasn’t real” by a doctor after being rushed to the hospital for a Lyme-related seizure. So many of us have been tossed around on a merry-go-round of western doctors who continuously told us that we were “depressed” or “anxious” rather than sick. Yet, somehow, against ALL odds, we persevered… and God led us all here in this very moment in space in time for a reason.
It is a miracle each of us is here today… and the reason we are still here is because of one common thread that connects us all: we’ve all maintained the belief that there is a deeper purpose to this pain that is currently beyond our comprehension and foresight. Call it faith or call it insanity, but we know that we are being broken over and over and over again so that eventually, we can break OPEN and THROUGH… and use what we learned to help others find it within themselves to do the same.
We all believe that one day, this will make sense. Everything happens for a reason. There is no such thing as coincidence. There is a possibility of things changing for the better. G*d isn’t quite finished with us just yet.
You see, this world depends on hope. It is our very life force, even before breath. For in a world void of the belief of possibility, there is no reason to go on living. There is no reason to put oneself through the relentless hardships of life.
Human connection is the same way. It is more powerful than any medicine, surgery, treatment, etc. It alone can and will conjure miracles and save lives. The human heart simply wants to be accepted and understood. We desire to feel like we are loved as we are. We want to feel that we belong.
In the past, if our ancestors were exiled from the tribe, it often meant death. The brain actually activates similar regions when someone is rejected as when they experience physical pain. In psychology, this phenomena is referred to as “the need to belong.” Put simply, it is a fundamental human need to be accepted and valued by a group or community. It's a universal motivational drive that can be as important as other basic needs like hunger and thirst, and is extremely significant in our overall development and well-being.
Tonight, I felt like I belonged.
“Relationships are all there is. Everything in the universe only exists because it is in relationship to everything else. Nothing exists in isolation. We have to stop pretending we are individuals that can go it alone. ” (-Margaret J. Wheatley)
At a certain point during our conversation, I brought up another dear friend I had met at the clinic here who is battling stage 4 bone cancer. Recently, he has been greatly struggling. A couple weeks ago, he rolled into the IV room at the clinic in a wheelchair looking particularly frail and gray. I had never seen him in a wheelchair before, and it killed me to see him so exhausted and defeated. His natural personality was always so uplifting and positive.
My eyes began to well up with tears as I watched him so obviously writhing in pain, so I looked down to try and hide my face from his view… and I happened to gaze right where he placed his book, which happened to be called, “My God Heals.”
That title simultaneously broke and healed me all at once. This man is face to face with death and is still reading about God and the possibility of healing. He is STILL doing his very best to choose faith over fear… to believe in the possibility of miracles. Everyone in this clinic is. I cannot think of an act of courage or rebellion more valiant than that.
My new friends gave me space to let all of my tears out, encouraging me to permit myself to feel all of my feelings, especially the “yucky” ones. Releasing emotions is a massively important part of detoxification and healing. It is another way the body clears out any blockages that perpetuate dis-ease in the body, mind, and soul. So, I allowed myself to weep about this man and my frustration with such horrid suffering existing at all in this world to my newfound friends (whom I feel I have already known for lifetimes).
They didn’t particularly have any answers (none of us do); only nods of agreement, endless hugs, encouragement, and a bittersweet glimmer in their eyes that silently said “I understand. I don’t get it either.” It was so much more than enough. I sighed as I felt old wounds scab over and begin to heal.
We aren’t supposed to know all of the answers. Life simply wouldn’t be life if we did.
“Perhaps the secret of living well is not in having all the answers but in pursuing unanswerable questions in good company.” (-Rachel Naomi Remen)
True grace is surrendering to the mystery of it all, trusting that we are being guided by a force much more intelligent than us. Grace is continuously finding our way back to this messy, flawed, and gut-wrenching present moment and experiencing it wholeheartedly without trying to change it… seeing that it is inherently perfect AS IT IS, no matter how badly it may hurt.
I think a major part of why our souls choose to be human is to experience such a wide spectrum of experience and emotionality. We wanted to know what it was like to experience individual consciousness apart from our Creator… to be infinite beings inside of finite vessels for a little while. We intentionally took the leap. We WANTED to know sorrow just as we wanted to know joy. We wanted to experience life through the 5 senses - to feel a lover’s touch, to smell fresh blossoms in the spring, to hear the sound of a six string guitar, to taste the fruit of the earth, to see the faces of our children. We wanted to experience love and loss, fear and faith, birth and death. We wanted to experience it ALL. And this life allows us to. What a gift…
the tattoos i had done on my birthday this year. :)
“Sweet Surrender” — John Denver
Tonight filled my soul with a subtle, yet invincible peace. These ladies helped fan the one tiny ember of faith I had left until it turned into a flame that was powerful enough to consume all of my doubts and fears whole.
Diamonds are formed under pressure. The phoenix rises from the ashes. All illusion is burnt away in the fires of suffering … and all that remains in the end is Love and Truth.
Tonight was totally one of those “Holy shit, I think everything really is going to be okay” moments.
It was as if I saw the mosaic of my life being woven by G*d’s hand from a bird’s eye of view… and for a moment there, it all made sense. I saw why and how everything had to happen, and I knew that all of us women connecting in that moment was divine intervention. Everything is.
We are ALWAYS magnetically attracting whatever it is that we need to learn next. It simply cannot be any other way. G*d is ALWAYS extending us a hand to pull us up and out of the (often self-created) quicksand, championing our wellness, and encouraging us to take one more step.
We just aren’t always the best listeners (or noticers).
The true nature of what we perceive to be “mundane” is pure magic. Every last bit of existence is. We’ve just forgotten because we’ve been made blind by habituation.
“Enlightenment is intimacy with all things.” (-Dogen)
“God spoke today in flowers and I, who was waiting on words, almost missed the conversation.” (Ingrid Goff-Maidoff)
“The humblest tasks get beautified if loving hands do them.” (-Louisa May Alcott)
The magic and possibility for renewal and GOOD is always here within this sacred present moment, but it’s up to us to tune into it… to notice and act upon it. We’re all here at this clinic, far away from our families and homes because we believe in the possibility of getting better and have hope that we can and will seize our opportunity to be renewed. We are willing ourselves back to health through repetitive positive thoughts and actions, and aligning ourselves with the frequency of wholeness and health… and let me tell you, generating positivity after losing everything you love and being in pain for such a prolonged period is anything but easy. It takes a whole village and a lot of faith.
After what feels like infinite days of trudging through blinding darkness, crawling through the shadows on my bloody and battered knees, and scavenging for any and every potential silver lining I can find just to get by, I finally can see and FEEL the light at the end of this tunnel.
I have known it was there the entire time, and tried my very best to trust in the possibility of healing and new beginnings even when they felt so painfully far away (which is why I am still alive today), but being able to truly feel and SENSE the end of this journey provokes a different kind of supercharged confidence and strength that ensures me I WILL get through this, no matter how impossible it may feel at times.
I will make it across to the other side of this river a wiser, kinder, and more selfless being, ready to serve others with all I have learned.
“Hope is the bird who feels the light and sings while the dawn is still dark.” (-Tagore)
“Be realistic: Plan for a miracle.” (-Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh)
Tonight, I saw the possibility of my future. I saw that it is never too late for all of my wildest dreams to come true. I saw Robert (my partner) and I living life together – happy, HEALTHY, and free from dis-ease. I saw myself smiling, running through forests, dancing in streams, creating art, opening my heart again to make (and trust) wonderful connections with wonderful people from all over the world, sharing my gifts with others, having the energy to lead a life I am proud of, and feeling ALIVE again. I saw myself falling back in love with life and helping others alchemize their pain into wisdom and grace. I saw myself actualizing all of my dreams, embodying my full potential, and looking back fondly at my time at this clinic with a grin on my face and a warmth in my heart, remembering all that I endured to get to where I am now...knowing that despite the challenge, it was ALL so worth it.
I saw myself and all the women around me being held in the palm of G*d’s glowing palm being purified through our painful yet awakening experiences so that we may be transformed into beloved messengers of hope.
I saw KaLisa fighting like hell so she can continue to be the most loving mother and wife. I saw Gail rising up against all odds so she can share her message of hope with the world and continue to unconditionally love her children and husband. I saw Brooke persevering in the face of exhaustion and fear so that she may serve others. I saw my mother surviving heartbreak after heartbreak, watching her child suffer for so long, sacrificing everything she has and IS for the slight possibility of getting me healthy. I wouldn’t be here today without her.
Tonight, I saw hope and human connection (LOVE) do the “impossible.”
G*d, thank you for placing these powerful women in my life. Thank you for endowing humankind with an eternal hopeful spirit and strength that is simply unmatched. Thank you for always leading me back home to Truth and to Love, no matter how lost I may convince myself I am. I see now that I am always home, always found, and always one with you. Thank you for this opportunity to seize my miracle. I see now that I don’t have to “prove” or “be” anything to be worthy of it; all I need to do is be willing to receive and trust in possibility.
“We should have more faith in God’s ability to give and perform miracles than our ability to receive.”
“I am God’s Son, complete and healed and whole, shining in the reflection of His Love. In me is His creation sanctified and guaranteed eternal life. In me is love perfected, fear impossible, and joy established without opposite. I am the holy home of God Himself. I am the Heaven where His Love resides. I am His holy Sinlessness Itself, for in my purity abides His Own.” (ACIM/W-pII.14.1:1-6)
No matter how many times I am beaten up, I apparently do not have it in me to NOT believe in you, G*d... even when I really wish I could just give up. So then, let my life be in devotion to you and to all of your sacred creation. Let me walk forever hand-in-hand with you in this holy and eternal present moment. I see now that Heaven and the Garden of Eden are states of Being that one can attain right here on Earth.
They are states of being that need and ask for nothing, content with the imperfect perfection of this very moment AS IT IS. They are states of being that embrace the totality of life and the entire spectrum of emotion without judgment, knowing it can all exist without any contradiction.
from the last episode my momma & i watched :) all of life is one big beautiful synchronicity.
edit: the very same day i published this, my mother and i decided to go to a bookstore. there were so many synchronicities (book titles, songs playing in the store, flipping open to the perfect pages, etc.)… but my favorite one was this:
i opened a book and a little paper fell out. you won’t believe what it said.
“THERE IS HOPE.”
i flipped it over.
“YOU MATTER.”
yeah… that one was a tearjerker.
